Unless equipped with advanced VR technology, a man likely cannot understand what sex feels like from a woman’s perspective.

You might be asking yourself: does sex always hurt the first time? Can women achieve orgasm solely through penetration? How does the sexual experience differ for women compared to men?

The reality is that the sexual experience varies from one woman to another. It depends on factors such as the partner, the context of the sexual encounter, and her mental and physical state.

While we can’t definitively explain how sex feels for women, we can explore the elements that influence the experience, what some women wish men understood in the bedroom, and how to enhance the sexual experience for her.

Understanding Women’s Sexual Experience

Media portrayals, social media, and even some outdated studies suggest that female sexuality is complex. However, complexity implies difficulty, hinting that it may be too challenging for women to truly enjoy sex. This perspective is, at best, quite unfair, if not entirely incorrect.

Most experts agree that, similar to men, women experience a sexual response cycle with distinct phases. Let’s examine these phases and how they shape the sensations women experience during sex.

The Female Sexual Response Cycle

The sexual response cycle traditionally consists of four phases:

1. Excitement: This initial phase of sexual desire and arousal can lead to an increased heart rate, heightened blood pressure, and vasocongestion (enlargement of blood vessels in the labia, clitoris, vaginal walls, and uterus). The vulva may darken due to increased blood flow, while the vagina becomes lubricated from fluids released by the cervix and Bartholin’s glands.
2. Plateau: During this stage, the previous responses intensify. Breathing, blood flow, and heart rate continue to rise, and muscle tension may extend beyond the genitals. Sensitivity in the vagina and clitoris increases.
3. Orgasm: This represents the peak of sexual excitement, characterized by involuntary muscle contractions in the pelvic floor, producing intense pleasure and a euphoric sensation, followed by a release of built-up tension.
4. Resolution: The body gradually returns to its baseline state as muscles relax, heart rate decreases, and blood flow to the genital area diminishes.

It’s important to note that this response cycle was first defined by Masters & Johnson in 1966, and subsequent research has offered expanded models. For instance, in 1979, sex therapist Helen Kaplan pointed out that sexual desire was a critical component often overlooked in the four-stage cycle. Later, Rosemary Basson proposed a non-linear model suggesting that some women may not experience spontaneous sexual desire; instead, sexual stimuli can trigger desire, leading to arousal, and further desire.

Emotional factors, such as love and intimacy, can also stimulate sexual desire.

How Some Women Describe Sex and Orgasm

“It feels so good it almost hurts.”

This was one woman’s description of the female orgasm in a 2013 study involving 119 British young adults.

Other researchers collected various descriptions:

• “It builds from within, and my whole body tingles as the intensity increases… Then, when I feel like I’m about to explode, that intensity is released.”
• “It’s very satisfying, as if the tension has been relieved.”
• “Sex is enjoyable even if I don’t orgasm, but it’s definitely more pleasurable when I do.”

Beyond the physical sensations of sex and orgasm, which researchers describe as tingles and contractions, many women emphasize the emotional aspect. Some women report that they cannot achieve orgasm without a strong emotional connection.

Comments included:

• “I feel a deeper bond with the other person, and I’m more likely to fall in love at this point.”
• “I usually don’t orgasm with casual partners because I feel more comfortable with someone I’m emotionally connected to.”
• “When he reaches orgasm, it makes me feel positive, as if I’ve done a good job.”